Will The Real Cupid Please Stand Up?
by Moonlight and Midnight
Summary: Hermione can't believe she's stuck in detention with Snape. Her only comfort is that Harry is in detention with her. Just when things start to heat up in the classroom and unexpected guest arrives and causes a disruption that leads to Snape becoming Cupid
1. Default Chapter

Heylo to all my old readers and new. I started writing another fic I've had this chapter for a while but I finally got around to posting it. For those of you who for some reason support Ron/Hermione and you clicked into this fic which is listed under Harry/Hermione this only hints at a Harry/Hermione romance and is mostly a humor fic so please stay and read! Thanks!

Love ya,

Midnight

Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own the Harry Potter Universe but if ever your sitting reading a Harry Potter book and it mentions that Remus Lupin married a girl named Kim, then it is safe to assume that I've taken over the Potter Empire but until that point and time Harry Potter and all things associated belong to the goddess J. K. Rowling.

Chapter One

Unbelievable, it was absolutely inconceivable that she should have detention on such a day as this one. Valentine's Day of all days of the year! She was missing the Valentine's Day dance! Even though it was a muggle tradition Professor Dumbledore saw fit to make plans to honor the holiday so that muggle born studentswouldnt feel any discomfort in expressing Valentine's Day cheer. But no, she couldn't go because she was in detention for something she certainly didn't do!

_Flashback_

_Let's see that's two frog eyes with three dragonfly wings… "Harry pass me the bottled pig spleen," said Hermione._

_Harry turned to the side table to retrieve the offending organ while Hermione bent over her pickled bat's ear to cut it into quadrants of four, when suddenly a bang followed by a splash caught her attention. Very quickly she turned to her right to see that her and Harry's potion had overturned and was spilling onto the floor._

_Hermione grabbed Harry and forced him to stand on the table behind theirs. A loud popping noise was heard within six feet of the spilled liquid. Donkey ears. They all had donkey ears; everyone the potion had touched had donkey ears, poor Neville who was standing right in front of the cauldron when it tipped and had received a large amount of it was now on all fours making Hee-Haw sounds._

_"Miss Granger, Mr. Potter, what is the meaning of this?" snarled Snape, his voice deep and shaking slightly with the force of his anger. He quickly whipped out his wand, which was a sight indeed as there was never any "foolish wand waving" to be had in the potions room. Snape cleaned up the spilled potion and glanced back and forth between the two astonished looking faces. "I demand to know the cause of this abominable behavior this instant!" The normally pale Snape had deep red blotchy patches on his face giving his face a more fearsome look than his normally pallid skin. _

_Hermione could not speak properly all she could say for the moment was, "I…was cutting up…" she pointed at Harry, "He…pickled spleen…"_

_"I believe our head girl has finally lost her touch when it comes to knowing all the answers…" drawled Snape. "Perhaps I should inform the Head Master that our little Gryffindor doesn't know everything and caused her classmates to turn into jack as-"_

_"I did it," stated Harry simply, staring into Snape's bulging eyes and meeting his gave evenly. Hermione gave Harry a sideways look, she knew he couldn't have done it he was on the other side of the room. This was just another way for Harry to annoy Snape with his defiance._

_"Detention Potter, 7:00 don't be late I abhor spending time in your presence enough without me having to give you another detention," stated Snape turned his back and walked to the front of the class but stopped to stand next to his desk. "Oh and don't forget to bring a heavy cloak Miss Granger, it gets awfully chilly at night during the winter and I wouldn't want to have an ice sculpture of a Gryffindor added to the décor."_

_Hermione gaped. "I said that I did it, it wasn't her fault!" yelled Harry his face turning pink with anger. _

_"That may be the case Potter, but she didn't stop you from tipping the potion did she?" drawled Snape with a satisfied smirk. "Oh, and five points from Gryffindor for you cheek. Class dismissed."_

_End Flashback_

Hermione sighed and slammed her scrub brush on the floor and looked about the classroom, she had already been here for two hours and had hardly made a dent in cleaning the horrid place. She glimpsed a messy black haired head near the door leading to the hall and smiled. _At least I'm not alone, _she thought desperately.

"Miss Granger I don't plan on spending the entire evening in your company, now mind your scrub brush," snapped Snape as he rose from his seat at the front of the room. "I shall return shortly and when I get back I better not find either of you dawdling from your task," and with that Snape left the room through a door which Hermione assumed led to his office.

Harry made his way towards Hermione on his knees and found a spot under a desk near her to scrub. Hermione looked up and smiled at him, he smiled back. Even though they didn't talk it cheered Hermione up to be closer to him. They had scrubbed a good five minutes when suddenly Harry made a groaning sound. Hermione quickly looked up from her work.

_It must be getting late_ Hermione thought she could have sworn that she had seen an arrow sticking out of Harry's back but it must have been a mistake as there wasn't anything there now. Rubbing her eyes she looked up at Harry to find him now staring at her vividly.

"Harry are you all right?" asked Hermione.

Harry just gave her a goofy smile and pulled her into an embrace then started snogging her senseless. Hermione responded immediately to the kiss. She had always like Harry his braveness and courageous responses to situations, not to mention he had a nice arse. Then her always working brain started to analyze her position. She was snogging Harry Potter, one of her best friends, under a desk in the middle of the potions lab, during detention…and she liked it.

As quickly as her potion had spilled earlier a loud bang resounded around the room signifying Snape's re-entrance. Harry's head shot up and hit the under part of the desk the two of them happened to be snogging under. Harry slumped down knocked unconscious by the blow. Hermione quickly slid out from under the desk and sat Harry up.

"Harry? Harry!? Are you all right?" Hermione squeaked.

Harry looked at her with glassy eyes and said, "This little piggy ran all the way home," then slumped back down into slumber. The only thing that assured Hermione that he was still alive was his steady breathing. She looked up livid and saw Snape standing near the doorway he had come bursting out of. She stalked over to him and was about to yell at him for causing injury to Harry when she saw he was staring at something with a puzzled look on his face. She turned her head to look in the direction that had caught his eye and saw a balding middle aged man with wings…and he was wearing what appeared to be a sheet sewn together to make…a diaper. Hermione thoroughly confused then noticed a quiver full of arrows on his back and a bow in his hands…suddenly realization dawned on her…she quickly turned to Snape who was looking at her questioningly and blurted, "You've killed Cupid!"

So how was it? Please let me know your thoughts on this fic. I would just like to acknowledge that this fic does have a plot it is not just something I will randomly write in my spare time. Next chapter should be up soon depending on the number of reviews. So Please Review!!

Love,

Midnight


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

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Chapter 2

"I've…what...who?" sputtered Snape.

Hermione stared at Snape she knew he was an old snarky man but had no idea that he didn't even know the concept of who Cupid was…or had been, thought Hermione staring down at the balding man. Then she looked closer… Oh thank god! He wasn't dead just knocked unconscious like Harry. When Snape came through the door he must have banged into Cupid causing him to slam his head against the wall. Hermione looked at her Professor who the look of a very confused man.

"Haven't you ever heard of Cupid, Professor?" asked Hermione thinking it odd that he had not.

"No, what is the meaning of this Miss Granger? Why is there a bald man in a diaper in my classroom? He looks as though he's escaped from St. Mungo's psychiatric ward!" huffed Snape staring at the man in disapproval.

"Sir, Cupid is the giver of love. On Valentine's Day he is said to fly around and shoot people with his golden arrows and make them fall in love with one another. That love is said to last forever if you fall in love with another by being shot by one. I thought it a muggle fantasy," said Hermione looking down at the man. "But apparently it is not."

"What kind of idiot would participate in such an obtuse undertaking? What is he doing here?" seethed Snape thoroughly disgusted that such a presence be seen here in _his_ dungeons.

Hermione blushed profusely and Snape seeing this began to look for Potter but, he was no where to be seen. "Granger, where's Potter?"

Hermione pointed to a spot on the floor where snoring was being emitted from. "He err, hit his head when you startled us upon re-entering the room."

"All right well you levitate Potter and I'll levitate the nut job in the diaper up to the hospital wing," said Snape getting ready to levitate Cupid when suddenly someone stepped in front of him.

"No sir, I can't let you do that. If he is seen by someone else then he will disappear and there will be no more Romeo and Juliet's, no more Jennifer and Brad's, no more J. Lo's and whoever she's with that month! Sir, if you expose him to the rest of Hogwarts he'll never be left alone! He may even quit, we can not do this to him Professor!" gushed Hermione all in one breathe.

Snape felt a head ache coming on and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine, but I had better not be disturbed!" and with that Snape turned and sat at his desk banging his head against it. No sleep for him tonight. He had to baby-sit a Gryffindor who was babysitting a middle aged nut job in a diaper.

"Professor…" squeaked Hermione.

Snape waited for her to finish her thought but when she didn't he looked up. "What is it Miss Granger?"

Hermione slowly walked toward him with a piece of paper clutched in her hands. She shoved the paper under his nose it had a list of names on it. "Sir, these are stops he had to make tonight…I found them in his hand," Hermione glanced back at the slumbering man. "Sir, if these people are not shot with Cupid's arrow by midnight tonight they may never fall in love and may possibly never realize that they are meant to be. Sir, we have to do something!"

Snape could really feel the headache coming on now. "And what pray tell do you want me to do?" asked Snape.

Hermione looked frightened for a moment but then looked back at Harry for reassurance. "I want you to become Cupid."

Snape stared at her. There was complete silence. Then a look of comprehension came over his face, "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT!?" shouted Snape.

"Oh please Professor Snape, it would only be for one night! Please you have to do it after all it really is your fault you're stuck in this position," stated Hermione matter-of-factly.

"MY FAULT! How, Miss Granger, is it my fault?" shouted Snape

"You hit him with the door! That caused his injury!" snapped Hermione.

"If you hadn't have made me give you detention then I wouldn't have even been here!" snarled Snape.

"Ah! But if you hadn't have given me detention for something I didn't do then I wouldn't have been here and Cupid wouldn't have shot Harry which wouldn't have caused you to come into the room and you wouldn't have hit Cupid!" Hermione's breathing turning shallow took a moment to relax herself as she watched Snape's calculating eyes as he tried to figure out some way around her counter attack.

Snape looked defeated, then snatched up the list and looked at it. Only three couples appeared to be left. He looked up at the clock quarter past nine. He should have enough time to complete these last few. But he wasn't doing so alone.

"All right Miss Granger, let's go," said Snape standing up and heading to the door.

"What? I'm not going! I've got to stay here with Harry and Cupid!" said Hermione.

Snape went over to Harry and levitated him then proceeded to his fireplace throwing in some floo powder. "The Hospital Wing!" stated Snape clearly as he levitated Harry into the flames and walked in after him. Hermione sat down and waited a moment or two until the flames roared once more and Snape stepped through again brushing the ash off his robes.

Hermione looked up at him. "Mr. Potter is fine and is in the hospital wing. We will take Cupid with us, we can't have him waking up and gallivanting around the school. Come on Miss Granger." With that he levitated Cupid so that he would bob up and down behind them as they walked about the school. Hermione followed him out the door.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Granger?"

"Who's first on the list?"

"Mr. Weasley and Miss Lovegood."

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Thank you everyone for your reviews! Please review some more!!

Love,

Midnight


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